Children's Books Re-written for Moms

A few weeks ago, my friend sent me a real-life rewrite of If You Give A Mouse A Cookie (with a tip of the hat to the DirecTV commercials) based on a weekend day home with her hubby and baby boy.

If You Give Me A Bathroom to be Cleaned...

...I'm going to bleach the entire shower and let it soak all day.
...and then I'll go to church with my family........
and then we'll come home and gag on the bleach fumes that have permeated through the house...
...and then i'll decide to bake something to cover up the smell....
...and then I'll start making chocolate chip cookies...
...and then I'll realize it's lunch time, but I don't have enough rice to eat with my more than a week old leftovers...
...so then I'll start cooking some rice before realizing I haven't finished my cookies...
...and I'll mix the flour into the dough and wonder why it's crumbly instead of gooey...
...and then I'll consider mixing in oil or applesauce to make it right...
...but that's a CRAZY idea, so I'll press it into a 9x13 pan to make it a "bar" cookie...
...and then we'll have lunch until it smells like the cookies are done but not quite burnt yet...
...and then I'll stare at the pan wondering what I did wrong before realizing...
..."1 cup stick butter" is not the same as "one stick" butter!!! Doh!...
...but Hubby eats one, so I eat one...
...and realize that my mixer really didn't crunch up that hardened pebble of brown sugar...
...but my teeth did...
...and maybe it will taste less sweet with plain yogurt...
...but it doesn't...
...so now we need vanilla ice cream to offset and save the cost of the ingredients...
....but I'm only going to be able to go to BJs today, and I don't need a tub of vanilla to feed the entire city...
...so I guess I'll either buy the tub or go without or maybe mail them to all of you.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don't clean your bathrooms. 

I, of course, laughed and set it aside...until this past Monday...when I had a morning like that...

If You Give A Mom a Chocolate Stain... by Karin Wallace

If you give a mom a chocolate stain on an off-white table cloth that's set in overnight,

...she takes everything off the table.
And if she takes everything off the table, 
...she'll notice that you've hidden rainbow loom rings under the centerpiece.
And when she goes to pick them up, 
...one will fall on the floor where she'll discover your pile of Legos
And when reaching for your Legos, 
...she'll find where you left your watercolor art pencils that you cried about someone taking last week.
And when she goes to put them away, 
...she'll knock over the hiding spot for your Girl Scout projects
And while she's picking up that, 
...she'll notice that every single shelf in her sideboard is filled with crumpled papers and half finished art projects and board games.
After she gathers up everything that you've left in the dining room, 
...she'll remember the chocolate stain and go get the spray.
On her way to get the stain spray, she'll trip over your sandals from the unusually warm weekend and catch herself on the chair with your dance clothes and soccer ball on it.
After spraying the tablecloth and starting the laundry, 
...she'll remember to take the leaf out of the table. Your shoes and daddy's tool bag will be in her way when she's putting the leaf away.
When picking that stuff up, mom will notice the pile is too big to carry upstairs and take a picture to send to her friends!

MORAL OF THE STORY: do your taxes instead of cleaning up a chocolate stain!


But I did spend the rest of Monday making this for my daughter's teacher who's having her baby tomorrow! 

Beanie Hat available here